2:14 am...

...because that's what you look at first.

I am awake, and it's 2:15 now. I have succumbed to the night and surrendered to the fact that tomorrow morning is not going to feel very cool.

So I'm up. Easy, peasy. I can say with pride that I have, successfully, stayed awake at one point in my life for over 72 hours. Thank you, Griff, for the challenge. I think I would have done you proud. Not much can touch me now that I have been to that side and back.

Side note** The suggested labels for this post are "scooters, vacation, and fall." I love scooters. Makes me think of Shawn and Steve. Two crazy gents with a lot of impact on my life. I can say that both taught me how to enjoy the little things. Something about scooters, too. What exactly is the appeal, I still am not sure, but the visual image is enough to entertain on a moment's notice.

Vacation - I dream. Of pristine beaches, crystal clear water, Bob Marley playing in the background. Pure untouched goodness, lazy days, endless sun. When will this be my reality? Soon. I plan on it. I've tripped a couple times, and I know it's just a mirage, but it's a damn attractive one and I'm ready to just go there. Solo. Me myself and I.

Fall - easily becoming, year by year, my all-time favorite season. As much as I love every little piece and part of the "fall experience", I am in a bit of a pickle. This chick can't let herself enjoy squat.

So forget the dreams of beaches, bonfires, and pumpkin carvings...life today consists of introspection and stuck. Why do I choose the madness?

Damn. I know I know better. It's 2:29am, and I am somewhat enjoying the drama of it all. Let me stay in this "funk" because funky is more interesting than haaa-aappy.

Don't worry, Cutesy Buttons. Tonight, dying's not on the menu.

Reiterating...

Last time I blogged I think I was smoking something. Nag Champa. Today, I'm not.

I'm a dance teacher and freelance choreographer and I'm an aspiring writer and part-time psychologist/social worker...unofficially. My three million and two kids come to me with their stuff and it's an honor to be in that place. Even when they cry. Or I cry. I love my job, most days.

I've got an obsession with Calvin and Hobbes and philosophy. My car is almost a reduced pile of aluminum. I should turn it into a time machine. Go back to my high school dance and tell myself not to wear a red bra with a black dress.

This morning I got up and played 6 rounds of Zombies Ate My Brains. I already won the game, but I think I was just aiming to buy a blue watermelon. Don't ask me why. The logic is kind of lost with me too.

Today I just wanted to write to get the ball rolling again. What I've really got to do is send out some work-related items and clean the french fries out of the bottom of my Time Machine, but it's totally worth the ten minutes to blog and get a voice back on the waves.

the Boo made fun of me last night for saying "whatevs." I found that ironic because he uses cool (stupid) abbreviations for things that no one know about...like "the Falls" and "the Pub"...mostly I have to ask him for clarification, and then he reminds me of the Fonz and I laugh. Yesterday he asked me if my jewelry box had a monkey in it. Often I don't understand the train of thought present there, but it always gets me to lighten up. It balances my conspiracy theories and moments when I feel like I'm really one of those zombies in my game.

Dear God, I'm SO glad we don't have an XBOX. Thank you for your great mercy. I think if we did I would slowly disintegrate into a million little pieces of ash, right there in front of our TV on the living room floor. Or my eyes would burn out of their sockets. Or worse, I would start to eat, sleep, and breathe flying pieces of corn and butter, shooting peas, and angry birds. Harry Potter has that effect on me too.

Ever get so immersed in something that you literally feel like you're really living inside of it? Yeah, yeah. Here here. Time to disengage from the movie, and step back to see clearly.

My focus is all crocus. - Homestarruner

the REAL dude - MLK, Jr.

Today is Memorial Day, a United States federal holiday formerly known as Decoration Day. It commemorates U.S. men and women who died while in the military service. Personally, I think it would be cool if it were still called Decoration Day. I'd take full advantage of the semantics of "decoration", and take a major field trip day to the homes of two of my besties: Jo-Ann's and Michael's. I would swallow my inevitable trepedation which arises whenever I'm within 100 yards of either places. I'd walk head-on into the crafty madness, and bravely dedicate my day to Decoration. For the war heroes, of course. Foam balls, yarn, glitter glue, fabric paint, boas, baskets, frames, cardboard, hot glue, you name it, I'm on it. Let's celebrate the day in style...and nothing says style like an airbrushed t-shirt with rhinestone trim.

The real reason for my post is not to discuss Memorial Day. I think it's an awesome holiday mainly because we get a Monday off smack dab in the beginning of summer, and pools open everywhere...but that's where the glory ends.

What I really want to take time to observe today is Martin Luther King, Jr. I was looking at, of all things, my trash-pick-up schedule yesterday, and I noticed something interesting. We have two or three major, *major* holidays....Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years. Those are given days where you know folks are taking the word "holiday" to heart. In addition to these work respites, we get Labor Day and Memorial Day...conveniently positioned on our calendar to mark the beginning and end of pool season (which, by the way, is extremely intelligent and practical use of two Holiday-mondays. Someone was really thinking here.)

The ONLY other major holiday where trash is not collected (the true mark of an *important* holiday) is Martin Luther King Day. Now, when I noticed this, I had to look twice. Martin Luther King? Really? Now come on...all of our major holidays serve to commemorate people like Jesus and the pilgrims...who is the MLK guy that he's ranked up there with Christ and the founders of our country?

So I did some research. Found nothing life-changing, only noticed that MLK Day has been a huge source of controversy in the political realm for quite some time, and wasn't nationally observed at all until about 1986.

I'm not complaining, of course. I'll take any excuse for a Monday off. I just find it interesting - and perhaps most interesting of all is the role Mr. John McCain has played in first opposing, and later working to promote this holiday as one of national observance. Sounds a little wishy-washy to me. Makes me feel a little better about my vote this past November.

I'm just waiting for the day Oprah gets her own Monday. She is arguably more influential - with fabulous shoes, yet.

if I close my eyes, it's all the same.

When I am talking to somebody there are always two conversations going on. The first is on the surface; it is small talk about music or TV or work or whatever it is our mouths are saying. The other is beneath the surface, on the level of the heart, and my heart is either communicating that I like the person I am talking to or I don't. In my life, I want both conversations to be true. That is, I am supposed to speak truth in love. If both conversations are not true, God is not involved in the exchange between myself and someone else, we are on our own, and on our own, we will lead people astray. I have learned if you talk to people with your mouth, and your heart does not love them, you are like a person standing there smashing two cymbals together. You are only annoying everyone around you.

I sense things are different with me. I'm happy. I think if you live your life with a lot of negative tension flipping around in your gut, all you do is have judgementalism and pride and loathing of other people. Set free from this state, you are free to love. You don't have to discipline anybody, judge anybody, and you can treat everybody as if they are your best friend...as though they are rock stars or famous poets, and though they are amazing. To me, people are amazing. I love that it's not my responsibility to change somebody. My part is just to communicate love and approval.

It is always the simple things that change our lives. Those things never happen when you are looking for them to happen. Life will reveal answers at the pace life wishes to do so. You feel like running, but life is on a stroll...this is just the way it works.

Like I said in a previous post, we view so many relationships as commodities. What metaphors do we use in relationships? We valuepeople. We investin people. Relationships can be bankrupt. People are priceless.

We use people like money. If somebody is doing something for us, offering us something, be it gifts, time, popularity, or what have you, we feel they have value, we feel they are worth something to us, and, perhaps, we feel they are priceless. With love, we withhold affirmation from the people who do not agree with us, but we lavishly finance the ones that do.

Love doesn't work like money. It's not a commodity. When we barter with it, we lose.

What I'm coming to learn is that true inner strength doesn't come from giving love, it comes from receiving it just as much. Love will never change us if we don't accept it.

Stay tuned for something a little lighter. I kind of feel like souffle-ing my blog today, but I just went balls out a triple-layer cheesecake. Metaphorically speaking, of course.

Tomorrow is National Super Hero Day. Celebrate accordingly.

This video gets to me every time I watch it, doesn't matter how many times. Freaking fantastic hot mess of a dance. And the crux of the meaning is pretty simple.

To be in a burning room is to be in an emergency situation that calls for immediate evacuation. That is the nature of this couple's relationship...one that's more than just bad - actually going down in flames. To me - she's numb. In an emotional state that is dead after being disappointed over and over and over again. He's a bit of a manipulator/instigator. There's definitely some nice co-dependency happening too. If they were wolverines, these two would probably be gnawing each other's legs off.

It sucks to feel dead, I think. I know what it's like. I don't ever recommend it. If you can, it's better to choose the nice lively alternative - the one that includes flutes playing and trombones and flowers and garlands of fresh herbs. Possibly a talented family band.

I was discussing this yesterday with a girlfriend over coffee. Why do we get stuck spinning our wheels in unhealthy relationships? What is it that keeps us hanging on to something so clearly toxic? This couple is clearly not all together with it. Maybe they both got tragically mishandled as babies and dropped too many times. Maybe it's the Agent Orange. I don't know.... I think though, that if a room were on fire, you would do everything in your power to get the hell out and save you life. MAYBE, if it's on your path out the door you might grab the family photo album because you know you could get left with jack after all the cinders die down. Even the cat gets left behind sometimes. Point is, if someone cries "FIRE!!", you bail. You bail fast. The very very last thing you would do in this kind of situation would be to walk over to the record player, drop down a nice Sinatra and slow dance.

I guess I understand why. Clues in the song lyrics: "I was the one you always dreamed of/You were the one I tried to draw...you're the only light I ever saw" Obviously there's deep attachment in any of these situations. Clearly some affection. And I guess there's something to be said about really hoping things were different, or rather, being in enough denial that you could do down with the fire and never have known better. And that's a little tragic too.

Nothing changes at the end. He's still clinging on, she's still a zombie. I'd sure like to give one of them the gift of goodbye.

Writer's Block

In honor of National Limerick Day...

I tried to come up with a ditty
That was clever and clean and still witty.
But my failure was utter,
Guess my mind's in the gutter -
Every one I came up with was shitty.

EVOLVE

I walk in stride with people
much taller than me
and partly it's the boots but
mostly it's my chi
and I'm becoming transfixed
with nature and my part in it
which I believe just signifies
I'm finally waking up

so I walk like I'm on a mission
cuz that's the way I groove
I got more and more to do
I got less and less to prove
it took me too long to realize
that I don't take good pictures
cuz I have the kind of beauty
that moves